Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Hidden pain

Sometimes it's just best to vent. I occasionally forget to do this. Lately I have been holding everything in and that is not doing anyone or me any good. Someone close to me said "You need to start writing again". Here I am doing so.

I had build up a lot of unnecessary stress on myself. I understand that everyone has difficulties and we all face them on a daily basis. Unfortunately I fell into the "worrisome spiral" and that is not me.  I must admit with ALL that I am enduring I can honestly admit at this time. I feel like "WHY ME"?

I have never ever liked hearing myself say those words. I always accept what is for whatever reasons they may be. However for the past months I have had to deal with so much and continued to smile throughout it all. UNTIL this past doctor visit. I was given some upsetting news well more like fucked up how I see it. All I can say is I don't nor will I ever understand physicians and their "wait" to discover and explain things at their pace.Which lead me to fall into the "Why me" phase.

I was well rather I am angry at the world. Yes I said it. I am angry, disappointed and beyond frustrated. I kept asking myself why does this keep happening to my body? Why do tumors keep growing in my body? Why am I struggling financially? Why is nothing working for me? IRS, Medical Bills, Health Insurance ending, my building put on the market. I honestly felt like giving up on everything.

THEN the light bulb went on over my head. WRITE!!  I was holding in all my pain and couldn't release it. I was hurting myself. I had chose to shut down and didn't even realize I had. I was so tired of being tired even my mind had shut down. I broke down and cried to the point I couldn't catch my breath and now here I am typing away.

I know that my god does not give me anything I cannot handle. BUT DAM I am hanging by a thread. I understand I am not the only one going through difficulties. However right now it feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and can't stand strong. I am only human.

So please forgive my rants but I simply needed to vent my pain. Now that I have I can move forward knowing I will get through today just as I do everyday.

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