Sunday, October 14, 2018

When you..

As long as you have something to say and a way to express it; don't ever let anyone or anything stop you from doing so.

These words have been repeating in my head for the past 24 hours. I can't explain to what has been happening to my over the past two weeks. For those who follow me or know of me will understand what I mean.

I have removed some of my social media accounts temporarily due to needing some time to sort some issues out. There is and has been so much to deal with in my life and life itself. When I find myself in situations that are out of my control; I shut down. I hide from everyone and everything that pains me and I end up "venting." Sometimes I lose myself in order to find myself.

All the doctor and hospital visits I have been to these past two weeks have been overwhelming. When you stay as positive as you can be only to be given bad news; you're left with what? How do you or yet How can I? remain positive. Unfortunately, I was driven to a point where I just became angry. I started to feel more hostile, aggressive and agitated towards everything in life. I feel angry at the world, at life, at my doctors, at god and with myself. I build up a wall in order to shut everyone out or perhaps to protect myself from anymore pain. I smile and laugh on the outside all while I hurt inside. This attitude is NOT me. It is NOT who I am.

I couldn't cry anymore for the same thing over and over with no end. All that pains me is still doing so. I wish I could make it all go away and I just can't. Then I sat down and really understood these words. "As long as you have something to say and a way to express it; don't ever let anyone or anything stop you." My voice kept repeating them until the tears started running down my cheek profusely. I've begun to release the pain that has been inflicted in my heart.

Since my laptop crashed. I thank god for my mini Ipad and voice control to be able to blog this out. Although had to correct my voice errors due to the cracking of my voice and sniffles from crying; here I am expressing myself the only way I can; by writing.

I wish I can say it all in one blog but there isn't enough time and I literally am emotionally drained. Perhaps this is what I needed to do in order to stand up taller than ever. To be able to say to life "What? that's all you got", I'm still standing!" So, as I wipe my tears away. I will remember today that tomorrow will be a new day and when I know I need a break. I will do so because my heart and soul is for no one to take.

So when you see me, say hello, when you hear me scream hello, when you feel me; you will  understand my hello....

Till tomorrow.... )0(

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Hey Everyone


Hello everyone. A quick blog to let everyone know I am well. Thank you so much for all the love & support throughout this horrible time. It has been a rough few weeks. There is so much going on but just want to stay on the positive things I have going on.

I have begun making homemade scented candles. It started out as someone’s idea and it got me thinking.  I started researching, watching videos and making the candles at home. I found it to be so relaxing for me. I have been under an extreme amount of stress and somehow this helped me relax. Then again it could have been the smell of lavender and stress recipes I was blending up.


Well, what started out as a learning experience has developed into a small business opportunity for me. I guess everything does happen for a reason.  I have also been able to reach out through a wider audience through a You Tube Channel I created when it comes to my blogs on relationships. When you have been writing for as long as I have. It does take a toll on your wrists. The use of You Tube and small videos as Snapchat & Instagram have put a great sense of relief on that pain. So, thanks social media.

So, while writing blogs and articles, making candles, going to the doctors. I have added video vlogging as it’s called. Why? Because I don’t like to sit around as life passes me by. The more active I am literally gives me less time to sit and wonder about my health. I enjoy keeping my mind occupied. Well, if my body will allow me to.  I will rest when I can’t stand any longer. Lol.

I have plenty going on to keep myself busy. When my candles are ready to be out for all of you. I will gladly post an update. I don’t want to have my name on a product that is not great. That’s not good business.

I took a quick moment to blog and say HELLO & THANK YOU for the birthday wishes. I am truly grateful at being blessed with another year of life. I have the love & support from amazing friends and family.

So, having given you all the good notes. I leave you with a have a blessed day and as always. #IGOTTHIS

Till tomorrow… )0(


Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Somedays

I know I am not alone out here when I say this. We all have those days when nothing seems to go right. I sadly admit I had several days in a row. I can honestly admit today is a tad better. I'm actually typing again. I had all sorts of thoughts and ideas running through my head. I finished writing in my journal which is private. Then I of course take to this blog to vent. There isn't much difference in the two except certain things I cannot share with the world. Well, at least not yet. 😊

It seemed as if these past few days were never going to come to an end. I woke up Saturday morning to just never ending issues. This all coming from a wonderful night before celebrating my father's birthday.

EVERYONE says to me all the time. "You're strong Lynn, Be strong, Stay positive, You got this". The honest truth on that is; these past few days I was not. Life's difficulties got the best of me and for that I feel ashamed. I went from feelings of worthlessness, degraded, frustration, humiliation to feeling beaten.

Everything I have build in life to be where I am at today came down crumbling. All these things happened in the manner of three days. Although I'm sure it's been building up way before. I just couldn't do anything about it on some situations.

Well those bad days are over. The only thing I gained from that was experience. Sunday was the worst which gave me lessons to be learned. Today being a bit better only gives me the memory that I am getting through it and today I can catch my breath.

Life isn't hard. Everyone has difficulties and what you go through doesn't define you. How you get through it does. Well; after these past 3 days of overwhelming difficulties; physically, financially and emotionally. I am still standing. 

So having said that. I want to say thank you to those who reached out to me. It truly means the world to me. I truly appreciate it. 

And to you LIFE; I say this. "IS THAT ALL YOU GOT? I'M STILL STANDING. I GOT THIS!"


Till next time....... )0(

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Hidden pain

Sometimes it's just best to vent. I occasionally forget to do this. Lately I have been holding everything in and that is not doing anyone or me any good. Someone close to me said "You need to start writing again". Here I am doing so.

I had build up a lot of unnecessary stress on myself. I understand that everyone has difficulties and we all face them on a daily basis. Unfortunately I fell into the "worrisome spiral" and that is not me.  I must admit with ALL that I am enduring I can honestly admit at this time. I feel like "WHY ME"?

I have never ever liked hearing myself say those words. I always accept what is for whatever reasons they may be. However for the past months I have had to deal with so much and continued to smile throughout it all. UNTIL this past doctor visit. I was given some upsetting news well more like fucked up how I see it. All I can say is I don't nor will I ever understand physicians and their "wait" to discover and explain things at their pace.Which lead me to fall into the "Why me" phase.

I was well rather I am angry at the world. Yes I said it. I am angry, disappointed and beyond frustrated. I kept asking myself why does this keep happening to my body? Why do tumors keep growing in my body? Why am I struggling financially? Why is nothing working for me? IRS, Medical Bills, Health Insurance ending, my building put on the market. I honestly felt like giving up on everything.

THEN the light bulb went on over my head. WRITE!!  I was holding in all my pain and couldn't release it. I was hurting myself. I had chose to shut down and didn't even realize I had. I was so tired of being tired even my mind had shut down. I broke down and cried to the point I couldn't catch my breath and now here I am typing away.

I know that my god does not give me anything I cannot handle. BUT DAM I am hanging by a thread. I understand I am not the only one going through difficulties. However right now it feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and can't stand strong. I am only human.

So please forgive my rants but I simply needed to vent my pain. Now that I have I can move forward knowing I will get through today just as I do everyday.

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Staying Positive

Yes it's been almost 6 weeks since my partial nephrectomy surgery. I've recovered well from that. I have begun my course of treatment. All I can say on that is I take it one day at a time. There are some days that are good where I have no symptoms. Then there are days where I am vomiting several times in a day. The constant nausea has been reduced somewhat with some medication. I do everything in my power to stay hydrated. As well as staying positive throughout it all.

I see so many young people at the clinic where I go for treatment. It is very sad because they're so young and deserve so much more life. I sit there and try and remain as positive as I can for myself and pray in silence for all the others.  It is a very emotional environment.

Once I'm home I watch, hear or read the news and the stress of life and danger all kick in again. I'm not sure what is going on with me but LIFE's meanings has taken a huge toll on me. I appreciate every minute of air that I breathe. Not that I didn't before it just seems somehow things have changed for me. I enjoy every minute of the sun that I can. I want to absorb every ray possible. Although living in Chicago this is very difficult to do with it's bipolar weather. :)

There isn't a moment that goes by that I don't take for granted. It sounds like a cliche when you're faced with trauma you learn to appreciate everything in life. In some ways this is true. For me: Everything is more clear. I am more aware of certain situations. I have more concerns over my here and now rather than my future. In the past it was vice versa.

Yesterday started out gloomy and became worse. I made it through the morning and napped in the afternoon. I became ill in the evening and slept the entire night. Today is a new day and have no energy and still try to drink my juices and smoothies for protein & vitamins. Yet I lay here wondering about the fellow patients at the clinic I will see this Friday. How they're doing. Hoping they have family caring for them because most are young with a few elderly patients. I pray for them all.

As bad as I felt yesterday I still got up to go spend time with my family. It was worth it. I closed my personal profile on social media to rest. I do have my facebook page open where I can post but cannot see anyone. Everyone can still message me, comment, tag etc. etc.

During this time I need and want to stay focused on getting through this dam disease. Kidney Cancer is no joke. ALL types of cancer are horrible. I will continue to pray that one day they do find a cure for this for ALL of us who are suffering and suffered. For now I will continue my fight , steer in the right direction and will STAY POSITIVE. #IGOTTHIS

Till next time..... )0(