Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Somedays

I know I am not alone out here when I say this. We all have those days when nothing seems to go right. I sadly admit I had several days in a row. I can honestly admit today is a tad better. I'm actually typing again. I had all sorts of thoughts and ideas running through my head. I finished writing in my journal which is private. Then I of course take to this blog to vent. There isn't much difference in the two except certain things I cannot share with the world. Well, at least not yet. 😊

It seemed as if these past few days were never going to come to an end. I woke up Saturday morning to just never ending issues. This all coming from a wonderful night before celebrating my father's birthday.

EVERYONE says to me all the time. "You're strong Lynn, Be strong, Stay positive, You got this". The honest truth on that is; these past few days I was not. Life's difficulties got the best of me and for that I feel ashamed. I went from feelings of worthlessness, degraded, frustration, humiliation to feeling beaten.

Everything I have build in life to be where I am at today came down crumbling. All these things happened in the manner of three days. Although I'm sure it's been building up way before. I just couldn't do anything about it on some situations.

Well those bad days are over. The only thing I gained from that was experience. Sunday was the worst which gave me lessons to be learned. Today being a bit better only gives me the memory that I am getting through it and today I can catch my breath.

Life isn't hard. Everyone has difficulties and what you go through doesn't define you. How you get through it does. Well; after these past 3 days of overwhelming difficulties; physically, financially and emotionally. I am still standing. 

So having said that. I want to say thank you to those who reached out to me. It truly means the world to me. I truly appreciate it. 

And to you LIFE; I say this. "IS THAT ALL YOU GOT? I'M STILL STANDING. I GOT THIS!"


Till next time....... )0(

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Hidden pain

Sometimes it's just best to vent. I occasionally forget to do this. Lately I have been holding everything in and that is not doing anyone or me any good. Someone close to me said "You need to start writing again". Here I am doing so.

I had build up a lot of unnecessary stress on myself. I understand that everyone has difficulties and we all face them on a daily basis. Unfortunately I fell into the "worrisome spiral" and that is not me.  I must admit with ALL that I am enduring I can honestly admit at this time. I feel like "WHY ME"?

I have never ever liked hearing myself say those words. I always accept what is for whatever reasons they may be. However for the past months I have had to deal with so much and continued to smile throughout it all. UNTIL this past doctor visit. I was given some upsetting news well more like fucked up how I see it. All I can say is I don't nor will I ever understand physicians and their "wait" to discover and explain things at their pace.Which lead me to fall into the "Why me" phase.

I was well rather I am angry at the world. Yes I said it. I am angry, disappointed and beyond frustrated. I kept asking myself why does this keep happening to my body? Why do tumors keep growing in my body? Why am I struggling financially? Why is nothing working for me? IRS, Medical Bills, Health Insurance ending, my building put on the market. I honestly felt like giving up on everything.

THEN the light bulb went on over my head. WRITE!!  I was holding in all my pain and couldn't release it. I was hurting myself. I had chose to shut down and didn't even realize I had. I was so tired of being tired even my mind had shut down. I broke down and cried to the point I couldn't catch my breath and now here I am typing away.

I know that my god does not give me anything I cannot handle. BUT DAM I am hanging by a thread. I understand I am not the only one going through difficulties. However right now it feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and can't stand strong. I am only human.

So please forgive my rants but I simply needed to vent my pain. Now that I have I can move forward knowing I will get through today just as I do everyday.

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Staying Positive

Yes it's been almost 6 weeks since my partial nephrectomy surgery. I've recovered well from that. I have begun my course of treatment. All I can say on that is I take it one day at a time. There are some days that are good where I have no symptoms. Then there are days where I am vomiting several times in a day. The constant nausea has been reduced somewhat with some medication. I do everything in my power to stay hydrated. As well as staying positive throughout it all.

I see so many young people at the clinic where I go for treatment. It is very sad because they're so young and deserve so much more life. I sit there and try and remain as positive as I can for myself and pray in silence for all the others.  It is a very emotional environment.

Once I'm home I watch, hear or read the news and the stress of life and danger all kick in again. I'm not sure what is going on with me but LIFE's meanings has taken a huge toll on me. I appreciate every minute of air that I breathe. Not that I didn't before it just seems somehow things have changed for me. I enjoy every minute of the sun that I can. I want to absorb every ray possible. Although living in Chicago this is very difficult to do with it's bipolar weather. :)

There isn't a moment that goes by that I don't take for granted. It sounds like a cliche when you're faced with trauma you learn to appreciate everything in life. In some ways this is true. For me: Everything is more clear. I am more aware of certain situations. I have more concerns over my here and now rather than my future. In the past it was vice versa.

Yesterday started out gloomy and became worse. I made it through the morning and napped in the afternoon. I became ill in the evening and slept the entire night. Today is a new day and have no energy and still try to drink my juices and smoothies for protein & vitamins. Yet I lay here wondering about the fellow patients at the clinic I will see this Friday. How they're doing. Hoping they have family caring for them because most are young with a few elderly patients. I pray for them all.

As bad as I felt yesterday I still got up to go spend time with my family. It was worth it. I closed my personal profile on social media to rest. I do have my facebook page open where I can post but cannot see anyone. Everyone can still message me, comment, tag etc. etc.

During this time I need and want to stay focused on getting through this dam disease. Kidney Cancer is no joke. ALL types of cancer are horrible. I will continue to pray that one day they do find a cure for this for ALL of us who are suffering and suffered. For now I will continue my fight , steer in the right direction and will STAY POSITIVE. #IGOTTHIS

Till next time..... )0(

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

My Truth


I have been holding in my pain for the past 3 months. I can no longer stay silent. I tried to hide my pain and it lead to more stress than I can handle.  So, for my own peace of mind and to answer everyone else questions and concerns. I will tell you my truth.

I was diagnosed with Bilateral (both kidneys) Renal Cell Carcinoma (Kidney Cancer) in December 2017.  At first, I refused to believe it. There were some issues with reports, so everything was repeated. I still refused to believe it. I couldn’t accept this was happening to me. I used my resources and found a highly recommended second opinion. A month later it was confirmed.

Everything that is needed to be done will be taken care of.  The craziness of this is March is Kidney Cancer Awareness month and my surgery is scheduled for March 14th.  I have kept somewhat quiet on this matter for some time. It was going to be a private matter. Some time has passed and for me to move forward and address others concerns. I decided to vent as I do when coping with overwhelming situations.

I was told I would be criticized for doing so by others who don’t care or understand. Well, for those who have all read my first book. My life was anything but private. That however was the past and made me who I am today.  I am not looking for empathy. On the contrary I have decided to no longer hide my pain and use my skills as a writer to be the advocate I am supposed to be. I finally understand my purpose in life.

I suffered for decades with depression and got through it by accepting & understanding it. Now, having this disease I will no longer shed tears and cry “Why me”.  I am a fighter and will conquer this as well. I will do everything I can to raise awareness, share kindness & support to others fighting as I am and will be doing so down the line.

There are so many people in the world who have and are diagnosed every second of the day. Kidney Cancer is no joke. It is a common type of cancer at my age nonetheless a deadly disease if not treated. I have joined several groups from Kidney Cancer to Renal Cell Carcinoma Groups on social media. I will be attending seminars, webinars gathering & sharing awareness as much as possible.

I have a very strong support from my husband, sons, family, co-workers & friends. I know me putting this out there will raise questions and if you have any you can always message me.

Now that I have shared my pain with you all. I ask that all of you let go of whatever issues you have towards others. Life is too short for bitterness and bullshit; keep in mind tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

I love you all & thank you for allowing me to vent & as you know “I GOT THIS”

Sunday, January 7, 2018

I'm done; now I will smile

There are so many things going on in the world. I feel selfish wallowing in my troubles.  Yet I have to find a way to release & accept all that I am enduring somehow. The how is through the only way I know to do so; writing.

No matter what difficulties I face.  I continue to smile with hopes that I will eventually feel that way inside very soon.  It is a little hard to put on a happy face when you feel like shit inside. Yet, I still do it. 

Today was the last day.  I decided I wasn’t going to hide behind my pain anymore. All that troubles me will soon be dealt with.  I can only hope for the best in every problem I’ve encountered. This past weekend has been exhausting.  I have simply accepted the fact that I am on a downward spiral & can’t stand up.  Well at least right now I’m stuck.

I cannot get the answers I need.  I cannot move forward unless I just let everything go & walk away from it all.  That is exactly what I have decided to do.


To ALL those who are hurting me with your words, ways & actions; I am done.  I no longer choose to be waiting in silence for your attention.

To my doctors who want me to do what is best for them; I am done. To my insurance providers who only want to pay for what they feel they should; I am done.

To ALL the people I have helped because I couldn’t stand baring the thought of you going without; I am done.

I AM DONE doing & going out of my way for anyone other than myself now.  From this day forward I will live my life DAY BY DAY as it is blessed to me every time I wake up.  I will love, live & breathe life as much as my mind & body will allow it too.

I will do & go as I came into this world with nothing.  I have a roof over my head, food on my table, clothes on my back & someone watching over me daily. That is all I need. I am done; NOW I will smile.... 


Till tomorrow.. )0(